What I need.

Right after my mom passed and everything was fresh and happening, various people and relatives feared that I wouldn’t speak after the tragic end of my mothers life. It had been a few long muted and deaf hours. I was a zombie-like form. Things moved around so fast around me. Noises blared such a high pitch that I heard nothing. My pulse raced. I knew why but didn’t at the same time. The word statistic was all that rang deep within me. Was I really that girl? Was this really happening to my family? Has what surrounded finally touched me?

After what felt like an icy cold eternity, had passed, the things slowed down. They were people. Doctors, nurses, relatives, policemen and women, and of course lets not forget the bystanders. The deafening high pitched sounds became audible. The nothingness ceased for the moment. It was the various conversations, cries, prayers and questions. I remember being shook to speak. From what was said, someone from the various groups of people desperately needed me to speak that instance. They feared I would never speak if I didn’t utter a word right then. It was the thought process of a relative. More so to stop the shaking and prompting and the being touched, I said something. Something quick like, “I’m fine.” I wished to be deaf again. That’s what I needed, or so I thought. I was too aware. Too aware of what just occurred. Too aware of the smells. Too aware of every conversation about me and my brothers. Too aware of the freezing cold that crystallized every atom of my  being. I was too aware. I hoped whatever the nurse was going to give me could minimize that feeling. That restless, overly alert feeling. No such luck. I wanted to shower. I was refused. I wanted to escape everyone, this whole moment, this whole ordeal. And where was my younger brother? None of this. None of this was what I needed.

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

…I didn’t realize it then nor was I willing to accept it but He was all I needed.

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