What a liar

So jumping right into it, I’d like to refer you to blog post titled: Familiar Ground, https://wordpress.com/post/piecesofgoretty.blog/44 where I revealed a major fear I had, have, working out with Jesus on a regular basis, is the fear of life repeating itself. My life has always been a ticking clock, duh, we all have that ticking clock, right? But what do you do with the belief of knowing how and more or less when you’ll die.  I say belief and not the knowledge of because none of us really know…(Scripture: Matthew 24:36 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only  the Father”)…Nor did I say feeling because that’s just one of the building blocks towards belief. How do you remove the feeling turned fear and now full-blown belief that your life would repeat itself and you’ll die much like your mother before reaching golden years, tragically leaving behind not fully grown children to figure it out for themselves. Irrational fear, perhaps, but its fangs sunk deep onto my subconsciousness and I lived in that belief for so long.

Remembering all the times I was meant to die added to this feeling turned fear turned belief. This belief manifested itself in a real fear of man, double chained doors, chaotic images that replayed in my mind that depicted vivid pictures of my demise. When I started having children, their playful and sometimes loud play had me trapped in my shower attempting to assure myself that the noise was of them and not of pass familiar noises. ( check out Blog Post The Sounds That Plagued Me, https://wordpress.com/post/piecesofgoretty.blog/125 ) It’s been said that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. My fear was so real to me that I believed it to be pure truth. What a liar fear is. Instead of seeing that I was being saved each time, one way or another, fear only allowed me to view those circumstances as my supposed end was chasing me down. I adopted fears truth and I just knew I wasn’t going to live pass 48, most certainly not pass 50. What would you do if you knew….felt you knew….you only had so many years to live? A question that is usually answered with various types of adventures, apologies, and some showing of affections to people we otherwise don’t take time to appreciate. For me, that belief gripped my heart, squeezed, and rendered me a tumbleweed.

TUMBLEWEED-a structural part of the above ground anatomy of a number of species of plants, a diaspore (seed and fruit together) that, once its mature and dry, detaches from its root or stem, and tumbles away in the wind. (google/Wikipedia) The structural part of me, above ground was no longer rooted. I was detached.  Numb, and dumb because most of my actions in that state of mind were simply that, not thought out flat-out dumbness, I tossed about in the world, unable to be in the present and fearing the future.

Like a woman living and breathing in the nausea of her new circumstances due to her first trimester of pregnancy, I lived and breathed the fear of being attacked…again. But this time, this would be the time I wouldn’t make it out in the end. After the ordeal of nausea and all that comes with pregnancy a child is born. A blessing.

This fear, this belief of my death and the pain of leaving my children in such a harsh manner, the fear of man, birthed in me not a child but when God picked me up and dusted off the remnants of what ailed me, a new trust in Him was birthed. One I never had before. He removed and continues to remove all the particles of this above world that combined created this tumbleweed. (continued from Wikipedia) Apart from its primary vessel the tissues of the tumbleweed structure are dead; their death is functional because it is necessary for the structure to degrade gradually and fall apart so that its seeds can escape during the tumbling, or germinate after the tumbleweed has come to rest in a wet location. In the latter case, many species of tumbleweed open mechanically, releasing their seeds as they swell when they absorb water.

…I’m so thankful that His grace is sufficient. I’m so grateful to soak in His waters, to be refreshed, and renewed once more. I challenge you today to empty out the fear(s) that cripple you, be filled by Him and absorb all the benefits of just knowing Him. Allow yourself to be touched and renewed by Him. Don’t live in a lie. You don’t have to.

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