Bothered

I was bothered. I was agitated. The awe of sunshine and palm trees no longer held a place in my heart? Loneliness found its spot in me and over-stayed its welcome. Was it welcomed? It was so familiar. Where a foggy pain filled existence once reigned an impossible illuminating spotlight of sunshine now resided.

In Boston I found it hard to live in the known, living in the aftermath of what had happened. Now in Florida the unknown begged to be familiar. Common small talk seemed to always lead to where is your family and how about your mother? One day my answers became overly blunt and stayed that way. She was murdered. Plain, simple honest and abrupt. It was like removing a band-aid. A band-aid that was smothering my pain, harshly removed to cover up and shield over an unwanted conversation. The worst part was I was doing it to myself. Was it easier? I don’t know. I felt as if I was cutting through probing questions and dished out the nitty-gritty for the person asking the questions. It hurt. It sucked. It was utterly lousy, but to say she was murdered and move on in a fashion that halted any further questioning, that’s how I was going to deal. That’s how I dealt. As much as a normal part of the conversation it is when getting to know someone to ask about their parents and family, the question and its follow-ups were the nails on a chalkboard of my life. One ladies face after hearing my answer was almost as if I introduced her to the term murder itself. I was feeling more and more awkward in this new sunny state.

Psalms 25:16 Turn to me and be gracious, for I am lonely and afflicted.

…Every move I made, every covered up emotion, every nonchalant response, none of it changed the fact that I was afflicted and deeply lonely. For a long time I wasn’t in tuned with His call to me. I blinded myself from everything including all the ways He was gracious to me. That never stopped Jesus from pursuing me. He never stopped. He just never stopped. Even when I had.

Author: piecesofgoretty

My name is Goretty Gordon, also known as the mom from The Jamaitians on YouTube. I wear so many hats, that of a wife, a mom of now 4, a writer and more. As full as my life is I haven't always been present in it. In fact, the posts in this blog express my desire and PURSUIT OF PEACE in my life, a task in itself so difficult made much harder after the MURDER of my mother back in 2001. WRITING has become instrumental in my FINDING PEACE along with other things such as ACCEPTANCE in who I am truly, whatever that may be at any given moment. Many things have transpired in my life since the start of this blog and I can only hope that my turmoil, heartaches and grievances that I've conquered and those that I continue to work through will benefit someone in getting through their own pains.

2 thoughts on “Bothered”

    1. No He doesn’t. He is always there, arms stretched out, hands full of comfort, provision, love, peace and so much more. To know Him for Him alone in itself is a true blessing. The ultimate blessing. I believe the length of time it takes us to get through the hard times in life has a direct correlation to that fact, knowing Him for Him. Who He is. Thank you for your comment. 🙂

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