It was quite a while, many years in fact did I sit and go through the scriptures after that day. It wasn’t a conscious decision. Nothing I did anymore was a well thought decision. Although deep down in my soul, the strings tugged as my innermost being fought off the master of peace and healing. The yearning for Jesus was there. It just took very long to resurface, to be allowed to surface.
Finally, the first time in who knows how long I searched the scriptures. Just because you read doesn’t mean you’ve found your way. I vigorously read searching for my vengeance through His word. I was more angry in those instances than anything. Angry I had to endure such a life. Angry my brother had to endure his personal woes. Angry someone who received nothing but kindness could allow himself to get to the point where he became Satan’s tool to destroy such a life as hers. I was utterly, bitterly, gross feeling in my mouth down to the pits of my stomach, flat-out angry. So I searched.
Numbers 35:16 “If a man strikes someone down with an iron object so that he dies, he is a murderer; the murderer shall be put to death.
And I searched.
Psalms 94:23 He will repay them for their sins and destroy them for their wickedness; the Lord our God will destroy them.
And I searched some more.
Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
…on that last one I neglected the part in verse 21 that says overcome evil with good, smh (shake my head). I wasn’t nowhere near trying to do that.
I was so angry by this point. I wasn’t focused on Satan and his part in this or anything spiritual or whatever one might be focused on when reading the Bible. I was focused on revenge. I reminded myself of the scrawny man with the long dark mustache, twirling it between his index finger and thumb as he awaits for the demise of his captive. I was focused on anything and anyone, and by that point, even God, to avenge my lose.
It was years until I started reading His Word for all the true wonderful, nurturing, healing, uplifting and so much more, qualities that it possesses and not that of seeking pain and punishment towards a person, flesh. God never said focus on the vengeance and totally disregard other parts. The funny part is, the parts I neglected, once read, were the parts that brought on true peace and healing. Go figure. Then again I wasn’t looking for that was I?
Romans 16:20 The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. 😉 The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.