Cutting Off Old Ties
After losing her, the one I was to live up to and mimic as a young lady, my senses dulled. Events that occurred after that one incident opened a door that consumed every new circumstance, making them just another episode or event, at the same time shedding a light on many pass circumstances as well. Losing people after I lost her was just another thing not to deal with. So when it came time to intentionally break ties, the barriers that held the remaining bits of my sanity and self-preservation together kicked in.
There’s something to be said about the difference between saying, “goodbye”, to a loved one that has left this earth and saying, “farewell”, to someone who would continue breathing the air we all share.
Someone dear to me had been “detained” when my life turned into an unforeseen chaos. Upon release, I had already flown the coop so to speak. Another “I have to” return trip to Massachusetts was the perfect opportunity to cut the final ties I had to the place that carried so much pain and anguish. The weather was also perfect for that occasion. Cold.
A familiar hug brought on concerned questions. Questions I no longer cared to answer. Nor did I care for the physical embrace. Not that I wasn’t happy for the release, but nothing in those times mattered enough to make me glad. He was a reminder. A reminder of who I was at that time, friends I had, pretend friends I had, work, family, my life and what had occurred. It was overwhelming and I wanted to rip the band-aid off and be done, something I was getting good at. Making him okay with the outcome of our relationship and encouraging him not to blame himself for not being there for me was relentlessly agonizing. What could he have done anyway?
It wasn’t clear to me then how one by one people were being removed out of my life one way or another. And as much as it pained, after the fact, I can honestly look back and thank God for allowing it, especially those I wouldn’t have the desire to be rid of at the time.
The pain of losing someone that you could easily live without is like removing Elmer’s glue from the palm of your hands as a child playing with glue. As much as the substance molds itself to your likeness and you become entangled with it, removing it brings on no pain. In fact, it’s quite fun. Having to remove someone who holds true meaning to you, however, is excruciating. That is the hair wax removal of life.
I hope nothing but good things for those removed from my life. I know now their presence would have altered my destiny in a way not meant for me. Cutting off old ties isn’t always an easy thing. It is certainly necessary, however, even if at the time you are blind and deaf to the fact that not all good people are good for you and the plans He has for you.