Why did I do that?

Have you ever stolen your own peace?

It had been weeks upon weeks. To be totally transparent, it had been months. I kept myself riding. Why did I do that? The internal roller coaster of emotions went from one extreme to the next. I had my moments of revealing my thoughts and feelings, whatever they may have been at the given time, but those moments were very few. I try to speak up and out. It’s a constant fight being heard only in ones own head. Not just because ears aren’t being used to hear mouths also eventually stop speaking. I have improved but more work needs to be done. Rather, it is continuous work.

Months later and one thing I’ve learned is if you’re constantly reminding yourself you’re not mad anymore, or you’re over it…then you’re not. You’re really just trying to convince yourself. Plain and simple.

But then again, at times, not that plain nor that simple. Sometimes we subconsciously protect ourselves. Our feelings may say, “Danger Danger”, and it is for good reason. Persistent discomfort physically, spiritually, and or mentally definitely requires some kind of looking into.

If it is a case of you truly not being over the negative emotions and the cycle of keeping it in, releasing it all in one breath, and sinking back into your shell of internal fights and arguments, then agony, misery, and hurt feelings will just continue. 

Another thing is, don’t walk around undiagnosed. People are not always as aware as we’d like to make them out to be in our minds. That person you having silent arguments with may not care or they may not know they got you in your feelings. And honestly, either of those two reasons are why the struggle goes on for so long. Tell them your heart’s diagnosis. Figure out if they care or if they were just oblivious to your hurt. Being undercover mad will not get the results you feel you need to move on.

SOMETIMES WE NEED TO DECLUTTER OUR MINDS.

Stop having full-on arguments and fights with people in your mind. Speak your truth no matter what and wait for the response to that truth. Follow up with whatever action that needs to be taken. From a common understanding between you and the other to a mutual parting of ways. Find the outcome that best serves you.

IT’S FOR YOU

Don’t expect an apology because you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. The sharing of your truth is for you. Just how they say forgiveness sets you free and it’s for you not the other person so is the act of sharing your feelings about something that is gnawing at you. Nothing is worse than being alone or even crowded by others and you are silent, having conversations in your head, speaking for the other person as well as yourself. You’ll find yourself responding in your head negatively to anything they say, even if it’s about the weather, but you speak something totally opposite out of politeness and consideration for their feelings. All the while you don’t think they consider your feelings at all. If you don’t consider yourself how can anyone else consider you. Don’t do that! Speak! Speak even when you think the response won’t be what you want. Speak even when you believe you already know what the response will be. Speak! Stop thinking and speak.

Declutter your mind. Live peacefully.

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