Remember the dancing

Sometimes we win and other times we lose. Depending on your choices you may have lost big. I’ve learned that by relying on God’s grace your wins can be out of this world.

It’s the time of year when changes start to flicker in the hearts of many. Declarations of better future living are conceived and resolutions of new endeavors began to take space in our minds. It is also the time of year some start to dwell on missed opportunities and out of sheer refusal to go yet another year of not accomplishing yet another goal placed by the pressures of these times, rush and go on a rampage of checking things off their must-do lists. For a few this may work well, being under pressure and all, but for others, it’s another spiral down that condemning cave of failings and disappointments.

I remember dancing with her on Thanksgiving years ago. The year is fuzzy to me but the moment clear as day. The circumstances surrounding that day were up and down, to say the least. After all, it is the holidays. It is Thanksgiving and it does get a bit hectic for the host. A moment which could have been smoothed away with an apology, a laugh and maybe a shrug of the shoulder was turned into a moment of rudeness, tears, and hurt feelings. Dancing with her turned it around. Or am I mixed around and was the dancing first? The thing to remember was the dancing. The comfort of it all. I never knew then how much I wanted to take the embarrassment from her and have her joyous always. She held us all together and deserved every happiness. The thing to remember was the dancing.

After her death, my choices…Oh boy, my choices caused me to lose and I lost BIG! For a long time, I lost self. Myself.¬† During this holiday season as my own stirrings of declaration come more and more in focus…I will be grateful for what I have accomplished. I will not dive into the pit of regret, failings, and condemnation. I will focus on the dancing. His grace didn’t get me through so I could focus on the losses. His work in me will be completed.

This season remember your accomplishments no matter how small and continue to rely on Him to help you with all future endeavors. He will get you through. Don’t forget the dancing….whatever that is for you ūüôā

Snowstorm vs. Hurricane

Depending on where you are in life and where you’ve been, you may have a different outlook than I. It’s surreal for me to sit back and think of the storms I’ve been through. There’s always that one storm that sticks out in our minds as the one that changed everything. A storm so filled with chaos and destruction…yet you remain. You remain alongside a few stubborn trees refusing to surrender to the wrath of nature which surrounds it. You remain after the debris has been tossed about every which way by the blowing of harsh winds. Debris that lingers on long after that storm destroys most in its path.

Some may prefer the storm but you know better. You’ve experienced the storm. You’ve nestled in its bitter cold and made shelter among its shadows. The devastation that comes during and after is only matched by the abruptness of its presence. How gut-wrenching to have warmth, love, and shelter harshly removed. Yet you remain. You remain but for a while, sometimes a very long while, unlike those few trees, you wish you hadn’t.

The hurricane had been announced. Clearly one should prepare. We make foolish mistakes leading up to its¬†d√©but. We overthink and overprepare in vain. Seeking shelter amongst those who’ve never even seen the dark clouds like the ones you’ve faced. Everyday requirements are depleted. You thirst but nothing is available to quench the desiccated season of this life. You scatter about, fighting to fill yourself with all you believe you need and must have. As things run low then run out, substitutions and alternatives take to play. One would think this happenstance, which really isn’t, would cause more wreckage than that of a storm…that storm. This hurricane, however, had been announced. No matter the detruction…No matter the few trees it swallows in rage, trees left behind by that storm…It’s the knowing and the aftermath that gives relief to my pierced heart. A heart pierced by the branches of those trees that once stood so tall and proud. The hurricane swoops in and declutters it all. Leaving nothing from the past, only that which should be saved.

The one that controls and allows the storm to come to pass and gives the hurricane its time to dwell among us, doesn’t sleep. His servants come and bring provision. I drink and am no longer thirsty. I still remain.

Psalms 107:28-29  Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. 

…No matter what type of storm, he is able to quiet them all and grant you the peace you desire.

 

October’s 1st Blog/winner post…

Cutting Off Old Ties

After losing her, the one  I was to live up to and mimic as a young lady, my senses dulled. Events that occurred after that one incident opened a door that consumed every new circumstance, making them just another episode or event,  at the same time shedding a light on many pass circumstances as well.  Losing people after I lost her was just another thing not to deal with. So when it came time to intentionally break ties, the barriers that held the remaining bits of my sanity and self-preservation together kicked in.

There’s something to be said about the difference between saying, “goodbye”, to a loved one that has left this earth and saying, “farewell”, to someone who would continue breathing the air we all share.

Someone dear to me had been “detained” when my life turned into an unforeseen chaos. Upon release, I had already flown the coop so to speak. Another “I have to” return trip to Massachusetts was the perfect opportunity to cut the final ties I had to the place that carried so much pain and anguish. The weather was also perfect for that occasion. Cold.

A familiar hug brought on concerned questions.¬† Questions I no longer cared to answer. Nor did I care for the physical embrace. Not that I wasn’t happy for the release, but nothing in those times mattered enough to make me glad. He was a reminder. A reminder of who I was at that time, friends I had, pretend friends I had, work, family, my life and what had occurred. It was overwhelming and I wanted to rip the band-aid off and be done, something I was getting good at. Making him okay with the outcome of our relationship and encouraging him not to blame himself for not being there for me was relentlessly agonizing. What could he have done anyway?

It wasn’t clear to me then how one by one people were being removed out of my life one way or another. And as much as it pained, after the fact,¬†I can honestly look back and thank God for allowing it, especially those I wouldn’t have the desire to be rid of at the time.

The pain of losing someone that you could easily live without is like removing Elmer’s glue from the palm of your hands as a child playing with glue. As much as the substance molds itself to your likeness and you become entangled with it, removing it brings on no pain. In fact, it’s quite fun. Having to remove someone who holds true meaning to you, however, is excruciating. That is the hair wax removal of life.

I hope nothing but good things for those removed from my life. I know now their presence would have altered my destiny in a way not meant for me. Cutting off old ties isn’t always an easy thing.¬† It is certainly necessary, however, even if at the time you are blind and deaf to the fact that not all good people are good for you and the plans He has for you.

 

My birthday month!!!

Since starting this blogging journey I have not only enjoyed writing even when it was difficult but I have found more joy in just the knowing that I am using the passions He bore in me for his purpose. I hope… I pray that you, fellow reader, searcher of peace, lover of things written, I pray something you’ve read or will read from me brings you that much closer to him, in which I have found peace. In which true peace resides.

That being said…Ta-ta-da-daaa!! L.O.L. It’s my birthday month!! Having lived in deep fear of life repeating that tragic day, birthdays, as much as I wanted to be festive deep down, had me living frightened for too many of my years; smiles and balloons on the outside as anxiety and paranoia reigned on the inside. But no longer! As I approach closer each year to the age that I equate with the age chaos overtook my world…I am grateful for his covering and at peace with his will. I live these days breathing freely and breathless only at his awe.

Being its my birthday month I wanted to give you, awesome readers, an opportunity to get to direct me, in my writing anyway l.o.l. I saw a YouTube video once where the girl allowed her viewers to control what she did for a whole day…Ah no…We won’t be doing that. L.o.l.

Reader’s Choice : you choose I write.

So the winning choice will be revealed on the first October blog post. The reader with the best comment or question along with their choice will receive a special thank you shout out on that first¬†October¬†blog as well ūüôā Thank you all so very much for your support, as exposing oneself is never an easy thing. Live in peace.

Please Like, and include choice 1, 2 or 3 in your Comment. Good Luck!

  1. What I lied to her about…a missed moment
  2. Cutting off ties…a returned trip post
  3. Reader’s Question : Write a question about my journey (If this option is the winner, a random Reader Question will be chosen)

 

 

No longer being able to say…

There’s a time in everyone’s life, one way or another, you utter the words, “I want my mommy!” It never escaped me, that feeling, that urge. No longer being able to say, “I want my mommy”, forces down a basketball sized porcupine down ones throat, mine anyway. One I swallowed many lingering days and endless nights. One that was more present during those moments in life where every second seemed one to be remembered.

A porcupine.

It clogged my airway when I realized a living being resided in me for the very first time and each time after that. No amount of epidural could have soothed the pain it caused, that porcupine.

It pricked my esophagus when I bore my children. Each time it added fuel to the fury of giving birth.

Those children will never know more than what is told of her and that sends spiky jolts of pain in my throat when it crossed my mind.

I want my mommy.  Sigh. Some never knew theirs to begin with.

That thought brings forth tears for them but that ache only adds to my own.

They hurt me. I want my mommy. I did something wrong. I want my mommy. I’m addicted. I want my mommy. I lost my job. I want my mommy. I’m getting married. I want my mommy. I’m pregnant. I want my mommy. I hate her but yet still. I want her, I want my mommy. I miss her so much but I can no longer call out, I want my mommy!

We all have different variations of emotions when it comes to our mothers and the need of them. That can be said for human interaction in general but mommy…well there’s no other.

Thank God for being the god of all comforts! His love and compassion overshadows any lost. His warmth, his kindness, his tenderness dims every hurt, every pain.¬†Today, now, these days, as I put my trust in him and give him my woes…I have my own little ones calling out…”I want my mommy!” When once that took me back to a time of pain and emptiness I smile and rejoice in the gifts God has given.

 

 

What a pity

I was nonchalantly open with people about the outline of my life thus far during those darker times. Different people who had different places in my life, their responses, regardless of the person, to me always felt the same. Pity. Pity for me having gone through whatever they imagined the details of my life to be, pity for my lost, pity that I would never be normal again, pity. No matter how nonchalant my delivery, pity always lingered in their response. At least to me it did. Pity just reminds you of the pit you’re in. I’m still not a fan of it, pity.

Today I know. I understand. I needed to feel that. The shame. The loneliness. The emptiness. The pit. This pit that I was in…. was dug especially for me as well as all the joy and happiness that eventually followed in my life.

A bitter pill to swallow that¬† saying, “gotta take the bad with the good.” A bitter pill the size of an enormous pit. Alone I couldn’t climb out of that darkness. I had to learn that. I was a slow learner then. But that just meant I learned all the more. Glass being half full and all. All our lives come with good and not so good and sometimes seemingly unbearable moments. Choose to live. Choose to learn when being taught. Choose to allow Him to free you from your time in the pit. When the timing is right He will deliver. For He…He is a faithful God.¬†¬†

Psalms 25:10 All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

…We, as people, can be so unfaithful. To loved ones, bosses, ourselves even. He knows we mess up. The great thing is He loves us anyway and He, He never messes up. Who better to keep a covenant with.

 

Meant to bear it

There were those times I wondered, “What was He thinking when He allowed it so, that this would be the cross I would have to bear?”¬†That this was¬†my thing to handle when people said, “He doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.” I wondered but instantly knew better, “What if He got it wrong?” The hurt, overbearing, the loneliness, hollow, the anguish, a pit. Surely not me, surely not this cross, this destruction of a life was not mine to bear.¬†Am I not destined to fail even if I win, this being my cross?

I was at that age of defiance and my stuff don’t stink mode when my mother was taken away. You can only imagine the guilt.

Another heap added atop that cross, my cross. 

How long after the thought of me that made me into existence did He finally say okay that moment would be the allowed time? When the time came I suppose. After-all, his word is truth. Once he says it, allows it, it is so.

I delight in knowing his words about me give me more power over the cross that was set for me. 

How? Well for one, He took it up for me when I let him. The weight of it all that He took on… has made me light and able to go on.

He knew I could bear it because He knew He’d be there to take what was too much for me.

Knowing this do I still have my moments of doubt and take back on what He willingly took for me? Absolutely. I am human. I am flawed. I can be downright dumb at times. But He knows this too. And He is still here, arms wide open to return peace and lightness to your life. My life.

Thanks for reading. Be at peace. Give it to Him.