Cabin baby

To all the unconventional birth placed babies out there…HELLO! HI! HOW ARE YA? 🙂

This being my birth month I reflect on my birth place.

I was born in what you could call a cabin or a house structure of sorts in Haiti. My birthplace was my home in every sense of the word. Home, not the hospital of which we are accustomed in the states.

After my first life experience unfolded in the place to be my residence for the earliest of my years, there were 5 moments in my life thereafter that did require me to be admitted into a  hospital, 5 that I remember anyway. The time I passed out with her as we shopped about, that tragic day, and the 3 births of my children are etched clearly somewhere in my memory bank.

Despite a few happy outcomes, those being my children, I connected hospitals with pain. All kinds of pain. Even authorized pain to dull deeper ones. What chaos in a place meant to heal, meant to soothe and ease. I wasn’t born in a place that provided pain killers. I wasn’t born in an environment that promised ease. I wasn’t born with fancy equipment to control the outcome of my coming out into the world. But I was born all the same. And I am better for it. She endured giving life to me the way she did. God saw fit that I be born in that place,with that family, in this lifetime. I’ve endured some harsh circumstances but thinking of Jesus and where he was born and all that He had to endure just because He loves so deeply…I am humbled.

I feel stronger today as I think about my introduction to the world. The times I did spend in the hospitals were each scary in their own right but He got me through them all, each and every time.

Luke 12:7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

…In those days, if you read from the beginning of that scripture, it states 5 sparrows were sold for 2 pennies. Birds. They are fed and are cared for every day by the Almighty. He cares for me more so. He cares for you more so. No matter how we got here, we are here and He tends to all his children. Faithfully He provides, heals, cares for, and so much more for all that call him Father, Lord, Savior.

…He is all that and so much much more. Live peacefully reader knowing He created you in a specific way, for a specific reason. Find your purpose in his word. Be blessed and at peace.


Have you chosen a topic? 🙂

https://wordpress.com/post/piecesofgoretty.blog/268Reader’s

Choice : you choose I write.

So the winning choice will be revealed on the first October blog post. The reader with the best comment or question along with their choice will receive a special thank you shout out on that first October blog as well 🙂 Thank you all so very much for your support, as exposing oneself is never an easy thing. Live in peace.

Please Like, and include choice 1, 2 or 3 in your Comment. Good Luck!

  1. What I lied to her about…a missed moment
  2. Cutting off ties…a returned trip post
  3. Reader’s Question : Write a question about my journey (If this option is the winner, a random Reader Question will be chosen)

 

 

Birthday resolution

I decided to make a birthday resolution because well, why wait for new years to do a self check? As often as one can is my advice.

Taking a look at life’s twist and turns this past year, I…Remembering the foolish mistakes and happy turnabout…I am grateful. Being that what it was and now being what it is, my birthday resolution will be to keep on keeping on. I will continue in faith to be the me that He sees. For one who has considered at one time to take her own life, this resolution isn’t made lightly. It is as simple as it is difficult, to live but… not only to live but to live with peace, in peace. Truly understanding that even in the mist of hardship, His peace will reign. Shining through my life, like a beacon, a beacon so profound with its beam it warms my soul.

I will lean towards peace, my inner peace, my beacon.

As corny as it may sound, the ones out there who’ve truly felt derailed by life can understand; when light is finally evident in your life after suffocating in the dark, alone, or so you/ I thought, for so many years, your like a dog with a bone, a beggar with a hot meal after being deprived for so long. Call it what you will. Call me what you will, but I refuse to let go. I refuse to give back or give away my meal. I refuse to let go of the light , my beacon. Jesus.

So, yes my birthday will bring forth more of me pushing my way towards He. He’s got me this far.

My birthday month!!!

Since starting this blogging journey I have not only enjoyed writing even when it was difficult but I have found more joy in just the knowing that I am using the passions He bore in me for his purpose. I hope… I pray that you, fellow reader, searcher of peace, lover of things written, I pray something you’ve read or will read from me brings you that much closer to him, in which I have found peace. In which true peace resides.

That being said…Ta-ta-da-daaa!! L.O.L. It’s my birthday month!! Having lived in deep fear of life repeating that tragic day, birthdays, as much as I wanted to be festive deep down, had me living frightened for too many of my years; smiles and balloons on the outside as anxiety and paranoia reigned on the inside. But no longer! As I approach closer each year to the age that I equate with the age chaos overtook my world…I am grateful for his covering and at peace with his will. I live these days breathing freely and breathless only at his awe.

Being its my birthday month I wanted to give you, awesome readers, an opportunity to get to direct me, in my writing anyway l.o.l. I saw a YouTube video once where the girl allowed her viewers to control what she did for a whole day…Ah no…We won’t be doing that. L.o.l.

Reader’s Choice : you choose I write.

So the winning choice will be revealed on the first October blog post. The reader with the best comment or question along with their choice will receive a special thank you shout out on that first October blog as well 🙂 Thank you all so very much for your support, as exposing oneself is never an easy thing. Live in peace.

Please Like, and include choice 1, 2 or 3 in your Comment. Good Luck!

  1. What I lied to her about…a missed moment
  2. Cutting off ties…a returned trip post
  3. Reader’s Question : Write a question about my journey (If this option is the winner, a random Reader Question will be chosen)

 

 

No longer being able to say…

There’s a time in everyone’s life, one way or another, you utter the words, “I want my mommy!” It never escaped me, that feeling, that urge. No longer being able to say, “I want my mommy”, forces down a basketball sized porcupine down ones throat, mine anyway. One I swallowed many lingering days and endless nights. One that was more present during those moments in life where every second seemed one to be remembered.

A porcupine.

It clogged my airway when I realized a living being resided in me for the very first time and each time after that. No amount of epidural could have soothed the pain it caused, that porcupine.

It pricked my esophagus when I bore my children. Each time it added fuel to the fury of giving birth.

Those children will never know more than what is told of her and that sends spiky jolts of pain in my throat when it crossed my mind.

I want my mommy.  Sigh. Some never knew theirs to begin with.

That thought brings forth tears for them but that ache only adds to my own.

They hurt me. I want my mommy. I did something wrong. I want my mommy. I’m addicted. I want my mommy. I lost my job. I want my mommy. I’m getting married. I want my mommy. I’m pregnant. I want my mommy. I hate her but yet still. I want her, I want my mommy. I miss her so much but I can no longer call out, I want my mommy!

We all have different variations of emotions when it comes to our mothers and the need of them. That can be said for human interaction in general but mommy…well there’s no other.

Thank God for being the god of all comforts! His love and compassion overshadows any lost. His warmth, his kindness, his tenderness dims every hurt, every pain. Today, now, these days, as I put my trust in him and give him my woes…I have my own little ones calling out…”I want my mommy!” When once that took me back to a time of pain and emptiness I smile and rejoice in the gifts God has given.

 

 

What a pity

I was nonchalantly open with people about the outline of my life thus far during those darker times. Different people who had different places in my life, their responses, regardless of the person, to me always felt the same. Pity. Pity for me having gone through whatever they imagined the details of my life to be, pity for my lost, pity that I would never be normal again, pity. No matter how nonchalant my delivery, pity always lingered in their response. At least to me it did. Pity just reminds you of the pit you’re in. I’m still not a fan of it, pity.

Today I know. I understand. I needed to feel that. The shame. The loneliness. The emptiness. The pit. This pit that I was in…. was dug especially for me as well as all the joy and happiness that eventually followed in my life.

A bitter pill to swallow that  saying, “gotta take the bad with the good.” A bitter pill the size of an enormous pit. Alone I couldn’t climb out of that darkness. I had to learn that. I was a slow learner then. But that just meant I learned all the more. Glass being half full and all. All our lives come with good and not so good and sometimes seemingly unbearable moments. Choose to live. Choose to learn when being taught. Choose to allow Him to free you from your time in the pit. When the timing is right He will deliver. For He…He is a faithful God.  

Psalms 25:10 All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

…We, as people, can be so unfaithful. To loved ones, bosses, ourselves even. He knows we mess up. The great thing is He loves us anyway and He, He never messes up. Who better to keep a covenant with.

 

Meant to bear it

There were those times I wondered, “What was He thinking when He allowed it so, that this would be the cross I would have to bear?” That this was my thing to handle when people said, “He doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.” I wondered but instantly knew better, “What if He got it wrong?” The hurt, overbearing, the loneliness, hollow, the anguish, a pit. Surely not me, surely not this cross, this destruction of a life was not mine to bear. Am I not destined to fail even if I win, this being my cross?

I was at that age of defiance and my stuff don’t stink mode when my mother was taken away. You can only imagine the guilt.

Another heap added atop that cross, my cross. 

How long after the thought of me that made me into existence did He finally say okay that moment would be the allowed time? When the time came I suppose. After-all, his word is truth. Once he says it, allows it, it is so.

I delight in knowing his words about me give me more power over the cross that was set for me. 

How? Well for one, He took it up for me when I let him. The weight of it all that He took on… has made me light and able to go on.

He knew I could bear it because He knew He’d be there to take what was too much for me.

Knowing this do I still have my moments of doubt and take back on what He willingly took for me? Absolutely. I am human. I am flawed. I can be downright dumb at times. But He knows this too. And He is still here, arms wide open to return peace and lightness to your life. My life.

Thanks for reading. Be at peace. Give it to Him.

 

 

Being told excuses

You’re taught at a young age not to make excuses. Why then when we get older all we are fed from one another are excuses? We go from “my brother or sister made me do it” to “the devil made me do it.” One I never thought I would be in the receiving end of would be, “his mental status made him do it.” Fools. They, were all fools. Fools that had been fooled.

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We hear excuses and we give excuses.  Most excuses are given or received, then left at the table, so to speak. I had to endure hearing the same excuse on a yearly basis. “He didn’t mean it and he won’t do it again but to be on the safe side you’ll be notified that he’s not able to attempt to do it again every year, until….”

Excuses. When do you decide to listen and accept? Ignore and reject? Afterall, isn’t an excuse just another lie.

Then again, there are those excuses in life we just have to live with, whether or not we accept, reject, listen or ignore. It’s the biggest horse pill to swallow when you have no control, especially over what you believe to be a lie, a slap in the face.

I think learning over time, over lots of time, to be myself with God helped plenty to be able to live with the horse pill of my life. Asking Him the hard questions and expressing my true emotions, even and especially hate at times, and not pretending, was the beginning of the fog being lifted. It was only but a mire thin layer of the dark cloud, but a layer all the same.