The me that was

Once you’ve gone through certain shocks of life and find yourself engulfed in a domino effect of gut wrenching events that play on every emotion past and present, you tend to focus on that particular person you are then, in that moment.

Today, today I remember my true minnie me. The me before my eyes were opened to this lifes disappointments, betrayals, and chaos. The me that was innocent until she wasn’t but was young enough to remove the unsavory memory…until she wasn’t. The me that laughed, played, loved without conditions. The me that had been closest to Jesus out of all the me’s I would be, in my opinion anyway.

That me. I love her. I have hated her. I’ve learned from her. She hid from some of my lessons. Rightfully so. Who wants to learn when there’s Sesame Street and strawberry ice cream. Which the me now rather not have in my choice of desserts. Just a fun fact.

Back to her.

That me took some hits in her lifetime, as well I should say. Hits she was able to suppress. Hits that scared her at night. Hits that made her ponder about many things, most of which came from an innocent inquisitive place. Hits that eventually forced her to hide deep within. She even experienced hits that, looking back now, this me, am so grateful for having been one in which Jesus turned back for.

The enemy had and still has his own plans for me. That, well she learned that fact too. But she, she was so bright. She shared some of that brightness with me, this me. She was so fierce…in the beginning. Not this mask of strength and authority. She, she knew Jesus on a whole other level. He loved, loves, love her so. He granted her flying rights. She soar most nights.

As I write this I feel His presence and I’m flooded with the exact love and emotional tie between them. He actually….She flew. I flew. I fly again. What a connection they had and I now possess, that minnie me and He.

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Like I said I am grateful. She probably would have a better more colorful word. Hahaha.

But I am. Just so grateful he returned for me…this me that was once she. He loved me then, through, and even now.

You too. He loves you too. Oh so much.

Continue reading “The me that was”

Did I somehow know?

I was about nine or ten.

She kissed me and said goodbye.

As I watched her from the porch, a few strides closer to her destination, I had the biggest urge I’ve ever felt and could ever remember to this day to yell out I love you to someone, to her. I did. Turning her head back as she adjusted her work purse, she replied back, “I love you too honey.” We smiled at each other and she disappeared into the hedges that blocked the remaining few houses from that angle.

Perhaps it was the hue of the early morning light or the way that dawn sky created a somber atmosphere in the eerie time of morning but as I closed the door quickly behind me to grab a glimpse of her in the front window, leaving pass those prickly hedges, tears ran down my eyes like someone caught up in the emotions conjured up in a movie.

There was no premise for the tears or the overwhelming feeling of abandonment I felt. My mother would be back after work, per usual, later that evening. By that age I knew enough about myself to know that this was too emotional even for me.

I love you. I love you too honey. Tears. Really?

Could it be I was overly swept with emotion or could it be that even then my inner self knew she wouldn’t be with me as long as I’d like in this life? I thought those things to myself, even then, not about loosing her in the future the way it happened of course, but being overly emotional and why I felt so strongly about her just then. Did I somehow know?

I never told her about the tears that escaped me. I wonder if she would think me emotional or connected to her inner spirit as I did?

 

Sink or Swim

There’s something to be said about feeling like a fish out of water. I recently had that experience and today it reminds me of a time back then where I had to sink or swim. It relates to my last post https://wordpress.com/post/piecesofgoretty.blog/225 where I discussed being stripped.

There I was no one to turn to and no place to live in a matter of days, engulfed in grief and pain, blindly living out my days in as close to mummy like as I could to avoid facing my…me. I was a fish out of water and I either had to…Exactly. Sink or swim.

I made my own plans and attempts at getting my situation under control, which to me meant finding a place to rent, have it be it an efficiency. I had finally landed a job I believed I would stick to for a while. Actually, in those days, I had no choice. Anyway, none of my “plans” passed the reaching of a day-to-day get through it kind of life mantra goal.

Thank God, He had his own plans.

Psalms 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

…I had to eventually learn how to swim God’s way. That sometimes meant getting out of His way…and my own.

Being stripped

It became harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror and recognize anything I liked in the reflection before me.

Today I realize that I was being stripped. Stripped of loved ones, sense of security, my dignity, and so much more. Then came the point when I was stripped of a place to lay my head at night.

Unforeseen circumstances “forced” friend/roommates to break our lease. They had their backup set up but I, well I had to figure it out. This lead to being stripped of that friendship, the last from the place I escaped. In hindsight, it was a dysfunctional friendship anyhow.

What a feeling that was. No mom, no family around, no friends, no home.  The feeling of betrayal, embedding itself deep beneath my inner skin, coursed through me with every breath. The tides had to turn and soon before I could no longer recognize myself completely. My circumstances felt too powerful for me to handle. The me I was becoming could not be the me I was intended to be. But I still refused to return to the home I once knew. That home had been dismantled completely and I was in no position to put it back together. The person I was, couldn’t.

Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

…These days I willingly sacrifice my brokenness to Him.

…These days I am oh so grateful to know He sees the me He knows me to be and not the reflection of what I had once been.

…These days I am learning to see the me He sees.

 

 

 

Revenge on the brain

It was quite a while, many years in fact did I sit and go through the scriptures after that day. It wasn’t a conscious decision. Nothing I did anymore was a well thought decision. Although deep down in my soul, the strings tugged as my innermost being fought off the master of peace and healing. The yearning for Jesus was there. It just took very long to resurface, to be allowed to surface.

Finally, the first time in who knows how long I searched the scriptures. Just because you read doesn’t mean you’ve found your way. I vigorously read searching for my vengeance through His word. I was more angry in those instances than anything. Angry I had to endure such a life. Angry my brother had to endure his personal woes. Angry someone who received nothing but kindness could allow himself to get to the point where he became Satan’s tool to destroy such a life as hers. I was utterly, bitterly, gross feeling in my mouth down to the pits of my stomach, flat-out angry. So I searched.

Numbers 35:16 “If a man strikes someone down with an iron object so that he dies, he is a murderer; the murderer shall be put to death.

And I searched.

Psalms 94:23 He will repay them for their sins and destroy them for their wickedness; the Lord our God will destroy them.

And I searched some more.

Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

…on that last one I neglected the part in verse 21 that says overcome evil with good, smh (shake my head). I wasn’t nowhere near trying to do that.

I was so angry by this point. I wasn’t focused on Satan and his part in this or anything spiritual or whatever one might be focused on when reading the Bible. I was focused on revenge. I reminded myself  of the scrawny man with the long dark mustache, twirling it between his index finger and thumb as he awaits for the demise of his captive. I was focused on anything and anyone, and by that point, even God, to avenge my lose.

It was years until I started reading His Word for all the true wonderful, nurturing, healing, uplifting and so much more,  qualities that it possesses and not that of seeking pain and punishment towards a person, flesh. God never said focus on the vengeance and totally disregard other parts. The funny part is, the parts I neglected, once read, were the parts that brought on true peace and healing. Go figure. Then again I wasn’t looking for that was I?

Romans 16:20 The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. 😉 The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you. 

Fallen dominoes of grief

I recalled having to tell the young man, then eighteen,  what he’s been missing whilst in a coma. I wondered what demons he had to battle in there, his mind. I wondered if he had any dreams post the short piece he lived through of that horrible Sunday. I wondered if as they say, “you can hear in a coma”, if he heard all the while from the very beginning, with me, when there was no nurses, no police, no eyes to witness our every move. Just us and… How do you tell him he’s one parent down? How do you tell him how long he’s been down? How do you tell him he missed the funeral? How do you explain his new unfamiliar face? How do you explain his new living arrangements. “You’re up, now here’s a life from the twilight zone, brought to you by…” Sigh.

Those days I lived with constant stomach aches, on top of everything else. A precaution, they called it, with side effects. Everything seemed like a negative side effect of that day. Fallen dominoes of grief in an endless maze of happenings was this life. Little did I know then how long this maze would take me about, chasing my own tail of feathers for my head had been cut off all at once. I shake my head at myself at times now because heck, it’s now and I’m wiser, but I know all too well how easily I find myself entwined in my personal maze.

He took it and sat with it. We sat. The three of us.

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. (period) But take heart! I have overcome the world.

…Remembering and meditating on that fact. That promise. That declaration. It’s…it’s everything. The victory has already been won in Jesus!

…He was there in that room as we sat. But He, He never sat. On my behalf He never sat. He continues to fight on my behalf as I continue to fight to stay enveloped in His peace, the creator of peace.

 

Too soon after

Everything those days, every moment, felt like a desperate plunge into the next activity or happening. All occurrences and events, even those I didn’t manifest in my blind state, displayed themselves too soon after. Too soon after the last moment.

Returned to my new sunny version of the place I just visited and before I knew it I had received a call of a dear friends death. By the end of his life we had the type of friendship where he along  with another were prepared to avenge my mother’s death. He was family. His death and the details that surrounded it had me again. How do you feel hurt when you’re already there? How do you empty a void? Dark was getting darker.

I had taken the call out by the kitchen. The caller, the third of our trio, repeated foreign yet familiar words. Yea, I’m fine. My ever familiar response. I couldn’t return to my room. A future casuality of my selfish blind life awaited me there. I was feeling breathless and in pain. I couldn’t make it stop. I ran to my friend’s/roommate’s room. Getting her out of her bed and the arms of the one she believed to be the one, we went into her bathroom.

She tried to console. She tried to get it out of me. She tried to assume. By doing so she revealed what I’ve always felt to recur one day.  She asked, “Did he rape you”, referring to the future casuality? Now up til then, I never thought others could feel that way about me as I did. Being that she asked me that. I mean I didn’t see, yes she’s being a good friend for caring. I didn’t see, it was the middle of the night and I was hyperventilating and couldn’t get words out. I couldn’t see the situation for what it was. What I saw, what I allowed the enemy to confuse me into believing was, “Wow, see it’s not just that they know what happened, other people believe as I do that tragedy will hit me again. Otherwise why would she ask that? And to top it off we just returned from up north so going back so soon when you’ve just moved and penniless. To know another one so dear to me was no longer on this earth…so soon after…Devastation over took me once more. A new numbness crepe its way over my skin. My life was really no longer my own and everyone around me was either going crazy or dying one way or another. Clarity brought on more consoling. Breathing through the invisible hands that choked me, I returned to my room.

2 Corinthians 11:3 But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.

…I thank God for every revelation, every secret He let me in on, every uncovering of scales over my eyes that the enemy had strategically placed there.