Fogged up and Damp

If I remember correctly it hadn’t been 3 months and I was back. It felt longer but the type of longer that didn’t make the heart go fonder. At least by the time I had settled into my stay anyway. The moments before that was cool. Getting ready for a trip no matter how tight things may be, or how uncomfortable the trip itself will be, is an exciting pass time. But like I said…then you get settled in.

Goodbye to sunny palm trees of turmoil, hello fogged up and damp well of woes. The chill of the air infused with my deepest grievances overcame me the moment I stepped off the plane. The thrill of packing for a trip was over. The measure of excitement was equal to the measure of knowing it was a “have to trip”. While the reason for the trip was being handled, yet another struggle in itself but it wasn’t mine to enclose in this blog, I had to partake in my own personal realities.

Forms and signatures. Being that I moved, they came as I came. I came and there I was. Various forms had to be signed. Forms that when signed on the dotted line closed a chapter of her life for good. Various forms that finalized everything. I no longer sign my name that way. Not sure how much of a conscious decision that was.

Visiting family and familiar faces after a tradgey…my opinion…take small bites. It doesn’t matter what stage you are in finding peace, rubbing two open wounds together can never be a good thing. And it wasn’t.

With hugs and kisses genuine enough one wouldn’t realize the CA-BOOM! that was about to occur. I knew better. I’m good for that, knowing when the slip was coming, no matter how slight the implication. The emotions were brewing and it was a matter of time. I either reminded every one of the one they lost, the one I lost or their grief brought on the ever popular yelling and the blame game. They reminded me of who I was sorely lacking in becoming or ever could be. I reminded myself of that as well. I lacked so much. I lacked the ability to deal with it. With them. Our emotions were like a can of soda being shook everyday since I was there last and now that I was back, well you know what happens to shaken cans. Drowning our sorrows, laughing and yelling through the elephant sized void we felt so deeply, we all dealt. Dealt with it all one way or another.

I dealt.

…But all the while Jesus had already won the game on my behalf, over the pain, over the anger, over the blame.

…Jesus been dealt.

3 Worse Things…Bonus Blog

Okay, so of course whilst in the midst of these various interactions with these people and having labeled them to be the worst things said to me post tragedy, I now can share with you what the three major points I’ve come to learn from those experiences, though there were many.

Is that true?/school associate: 

People can be used to pull you back into the pit if you allow it. Now, I realize that sometimes God tries to grab our attention in various ways but there are other times where its the enemy using our situation to pull us deeper in the misery enough not to see God. Separating us from The Most High is his #1 reason for anything he does. Being able to decipher God’s call to us and the enemy’s plot against us, that key, that oh so important key,  is something we can only master or get better at enough to live in peace, through His Word.

Question to reader

Was my school mate being used to snap me out of my delusions, even for a brief moment, and perhaps turning to God in my broken state or was the enemy playing on my emotions, exposing me to people who once knew me before my life was shattered?

Not Nice/mom’s acquaintance:

My worth IS NOT  based on what others (any man, woman, not even myself) perceive me to be or what they say I am! I AM WHO GOD SAYS I AM! I am not not nice! Shoot, I am more than just nice 😉

Challenge to reader

Message me with your favorite scripture about you from God. Write or print it out and place it somewhere you’ll always come across it. The reminder of who we really and truly are is such a game changer in life. If you don’t have a favorite scripture, there’s no better time than the present 🙂

One so-called friend/a so-called friend:

There’s a simple lesson here but one that I tend to struggle with still, but that’s okay. I am a working progress and He’s not done with me yet. Amen to that. With this situation I learned and am still learning not to rely on others for what God is so capable of dishing out for me. It can be anyone, a friend, a husband, a wife, your child, my mother, and it doesn’t have to be a person. It can be a job, money etc. God wants and craves for us to rely on Him for all our needs and wants. For me that whole “in my life for a season” thing is a hard pill to swallow. I think because my nature is so awkward on the inside I tend to cling (not being clingy but just really holding on) to people I have in my life, good for me or not, because possibly exposing that awkwardness to new people is a dreadfully scary thing. But shoot, Jesus loves this dork so, so be it! It may hurt when people leave or are shoved out of your life for one reason or the next, but as long as you have breath you have the opportunity to have the best relationship with Him, who is so true and so loyal and oh so faithful. He is The Bomb Dot Com ya. Trust.

Question to reader

What’s one thing you tend to cling onto for whatever reason in place of The True Provider? (Keep in mind clinging to hurt and painful emotions count)