Too soon after

Everything those days, every moment, felt like a desperate plunge into the next activity or happening. All occurrences and events, even those I didn’t manifest in my blind state, displayed themselves too soon after. Too soon after the last moment.

Returned to my new sunny version of the place I just visited and before I knew it I had received a call of a dear friends death. By the end of his life we had the type of friendship where he along  with another were prepared to avenge my mother’s death. He was family. His death and the details that surrounded it had me again. How do you feel hurt when you’re already there? How do you empty a void? Dark was getting darker.

I had taken the call out by the kitchen. The caller, the third of our trio, repeated foreign yet familiar words. Yea, I’m fine. My ever familiar response. I couldn’t return to my room. A future casuality of my selfish blind life awaited me there. I was feeling breathless and in pain. I couldn’t make it stop. I ran to my friend’s/roommate’s room. Getting her out of her bed and the arms of the one she believed to be the one, we went into her bathroom.

She tried to console. She tried to get it out of me. She tried to assume. By doing so she revealed what I’ve always felt to recur one day.  She asked, “Did he rape you”, referring to the future casuality? Now up til then, I never thought others could feel that way about me as I did. Being that she asked me that. I mean I didn’t see, yes she’s being a good friend for caring. I didn’t see, it was the middle of the night and I was hyperventilating and couldn’t get words out. I couldn’t see the situation for what it was. What I saw, what I allowed the enemy to confuse me into believing was, “Wow, see it’s not just that they know what happened, other people believe as I do that tragedy will hit me again. Otherwise why would she ask that? And to top it off we just returned from up north so going back so soon when you’ve just moved and penniless. To know another one so dear to me was no longer on this earth…so soon after…Devastation over took me once more. A new numbness crepe its way over my skin. My life was really no longer my own and everyone around me was either going crazy or dying one way or another. Clarity brought on more consoling. Breathing through the invisible hands that choked me, I returned to my room.

2 Corinthians 11:3 But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.

…I thank God for every revelation, every secret He let me in on, every uncovering of scales over my eyes that the enemy had strategically placed there.

Familiar ground

I lived like a child, only enjoying what gave instant pleasure. What’s wrong with that some may ask? Well when you’re a childlike adult who thrives on pleasure and instant gratification, many things can and did go wrong. I made such poor decisions that I found myself in similar situations I was running from. One of my deepest fears was repeating that day but my new beginning in Florida became a sun-shinier version of the one I left behind.

My life was becoming an endless cycle of nothingness wrapped in my own gross misconduct to cover up my ball of anguish. And as much as I went searching for pleasure I was ending up wallowing in despair, fear, and anxiety. Not enough words to explain the eye of the tornado I was living in within myself. Emotions I felt that day wrapped in the new ones I created through various horrible actions, decisions and my masochist behavior was destroying me. I was destroying me. I was helping the enemy in his quest and had no idea.

I recall a time, the feeling, the fear, the not knowing what was to come of this particular moment in time, it was all rushing back with every breath, and every step forward. If it weren’t for God’s grace I know I would’ve been raped…again. Why was I surprised though? I had been living blind, decidedly blind, not realizing I was putting myself back in those same sort of circumstances. You know, sometimes it was almost as if I was giving away pieces of myself, time, money, heart, whatever was left of it anyway, just giving pieces away so I wouldn’t feel as if it was being taken. Giving of oneself not wholeheartedly, to be able to endure and avoid the feeling of being seized, captured, or possessed. Give so you won’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of….but you are. That was my new beginning. That was my existence. Living to avoid reliving but walking a fine line on familiar ground.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

…The former things were stalking me and had made their way into the present. I didn’t perceive what He had planned. I was too busy trying, on my own, to escape. My now, then, was that wasteland. It was so hard to forget. I later realized not dwelling in it didn’t mean I had to forget or that I should. I wanted to though. I think. The pain I felt was overwhelming but like the memories that haunted me, they were mine. Or so I thought.