Everything those days, every moment, felt like a desperate plunge into the next activity or happening. All occurrences and events, even those I didn’t manifest in my blind state, displayed themselves too soon after. Too soon after the last moment.
Returned to my new sunny version of the place I just visited and before I knew it I had received a call of a dear friends death. By the end of his life we had the type of friendship where he along with another were prepared to avenge my mother’s death. He was family. His death and the details that surrounded it had me again. How do you feel hurt when you’re already there? How do you empty a void? Dark was getting darker.
I had taken the call out by the kitchen. The caller, the third of our trio, repeated foreign yet familiar words. Yea, I’m fine. My ever familiar response. I couldn’t return to my room. A future casuality of my selfish blind life awaited me there. I was feeling breathless and in pain. I couldn’t make it stop. I ran to my friend’s/roommate’s room. Getting her out of her bed and the arms of the one she believed to be the one, we went into her bathroom.
She tried to console. She tried to get it out of me. She tried to assume. By doing so she revealed what I’ve always felt to recur one day. She asked, “Did he rape you”, referring to the future casuality? Now up til then, I never thought others could feel that way about me as I did. Being that she asked me that. I mean I didn’t see, yes she’s being a good friend for caring. I didn’t see, it was the middle of the night and I was hyperventilating and couldn’t get words out. I couldn’t see the situation for what it was. What I saw, what I allowed the enemy to confuse me into believing was, “Wow, see it’s not just that they know what happened, other people believe as I do that tragedy will hit me again. Otherwise why would she ask that? And to top it off we just returned from up north so going back so soon when you’ve just moved and penniless. To know another one so dear to me was no longer on this earth…so soon after…Devastation over took me once more. A new numbness crepe its way over my skin. My life was really no longer my own and everyone around me was either going crazy or dying one way or another. Clarity brought on more consoling. Breathing through the invisible hands that choked me, I returned to my room.
2 Corinthians 11:3 But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.
…I thank God for every revelation, every secret He let me in on, every uncovering of scales over my eyes that the enemy had strategically placed there.